Hey Andy Roddick, Happy Birthday! I got you Giles Muller's serves. Sorry you can't return it.

The New Orleans Saints players made their thoughts public in Hurricane Katrina's wake on Tuesday.

Because when your house is floating down the Gulf of Mexico, nobody can console you more than stud running back Deuce McCalister. Oh Joe Horn, you say what we all feel.

Svetlana Kuznetsova was ousted from the first round the US OPEN, a relief to tennis announcers across the world who couldn't imagine pronouncing that name much longer.

Are the Dodgers struggling? Lets just say they actually offered somebody to trade Brad Penny for their thoughts.

What is Chris Collinsworth? About 15 cents.

The NCAA will allow Florida State to use its Seminoles nickname in postseason play, removing the school from a list of colleges with Native American nicknames that were restricted by an NCAA decision earlier this month.

The Iowa State Dirty Dead Injuns -- not as lucky

Free-agent guard Aaron McKie, waived by the Philadelphia 76ers earlier this month, has agreed to terms of a two-year, $5 million contract with the Los Angeles Lakers. AND WHO SAID YOU CAN'T REPLACE SHAQ!?

... BECAUSE HE WAS RIGHT!

The Kansas City Royals snapped their 19 game losing streak this weekend. Great, not only do they suck, but now they're not even that special anymore.

STRAIGHT GRASS, HOMEY


Oakland Raiders receiver Randy Moss admits he has used marijuana since entering the NFL seven years ago and still smokes it "every blue moon."

When asked if he knew what a blue moon was, Randy responded, "It's a phenomenon caused by the presence of large quantities of suspended particles in the atmosphere which selectively remove the longer lunar to solar visible wavelengths more than the blue or green wavelengths... I like to study astrology when I get high."

Champ Bailey returned to training camp today, though he was still experiencing some stiffness in his hammy.

In a related story, William "the fridge" Perry, is still experiencing moons over his hammy.

Drew Brees's birthmark ended a 4 month hold out with the rest of his face and will report to training camp today.

Phil Mickelson grabbed his second major title Monday, setting up a one-foot birdie putt with a brilliant chip on the 18th hole at the PGA Championship.

That brilliant chip? You guessed it: A Baked Lay.

On Friday morning, Owens left his Moorestown, N.J., home with two suitcases and went to Philadelphia International Airport, where he told KYW-TV as he headed to a security gate: ``I'm going to the Bahamas. I'm going to get a tan.''

Dennis Rodman put down the penguin he was wrestling to comment, "Jeez this guy is crazy."

All-Pro wide receiver Terrell Owens left Eagles training camp Wednesday after a heated exchange with coach Andy Reid.

Usually Eagles wait until the NFC championship game to quit. Owens merely doesnt like to procrastinate. He plans on losing three Superbowls this weekend alone.

The Cleveland Indians scored 11 runs in the ninth inning yesterday to beat the Kansas City Royals 13-7.

This may seem impressive, however, two of those runs came before the first out, so they were actually on pace for infinity runs. Kind of a let down if you ask me.

Monday Night Football returned yesterday as the Bears battled the Dolphins. I think I speak for most people when I say I'd rather see bears battle dolphins.

Cuttino Mobley signed with the Clippers this week. Mobley commented, "You know how some players will take a paycut to play for a championship contender? Well, I'm like the opposite of that."

Clippers owner Daniel Sterling said, "Whatever keeps our team mediocre, I'm all for it, and that includes giving reporters first and second round draft picks as party favors!"

BLOCKBUSTER TRADE / POST 5 OF 5
TEAM: MIAMI HEAT

The Miami Heat picked up the biggest names in this trade, getting Antoine Walker as well as Jason Williams.

In a related story, Heat GM Pat Riley is currently lobbying the NBA to increase regular season games by 24 minutes to accommidate for the amount of shots Shaq, Dwyane Wade, and Antoine Walker plan on taking.

BLOCKBUSTER TRADE / POST 4 OF 5
TEAM: MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES

The Grizzlies acquired Eddie Jones and Raul Lopez who were happy to join such a successful coach in Mike Fratello. However, they won't be happy for long when they realize that Fratello earned the nickname "The Czar" not because of his power and height, but because he hires cossacks to rape and murder each player's wife.

BLOCKBUSTER TRADE / POST 2 of 5
TEAM: BOSTON CELTICS

Boston lost Antoine Walker, but received Curtis Borchardt, Qyntel Woods, Albert Miralles, and two second-round draft picks. Celtics GM Danny Ainge said, "We may not have the best players in the NBA, but we sure as hell have the most!"

Distressed Celtics fans looked on, in dissapointed amazement.

BLOCKBUSTER TRADE / POST 1 of 5
TEAM: NEW ORLEANS HORNETS

Part of this monster deal included New Orleans receiving Rasual Butler from Miami and Kirk Snyder from Utah. You know what this means for Hornets fans!? RASUAL FRIDAY'S!

Shaquille O'Neal signed a $100 million, 5-year contract with the Miami Heat on Tuesday.

Shaq originally wanted an 8 year $345 million dollar contract extension. He told the Miami Herald "More money. My appetite for cash in insatiable. I want each of my cars to have cars, and I want those cars to have their own cars. I want those cars to be Daewoo's. Shaq is only so rich"

After MLB came down with its most noticeable steroid penalty to date, Barry Bonds commented "Ummm.. OUCH! My knee... UGHHH... I think I'm done for this season guys. OWWWW. No seriously, it really, really hurts."

Bonds then walked away knocking over several vases with his forehead and continued, "Sorry, I'd clean that up but... ugh... it really hurts to walk."

The Los Angeles Lakers signed guard Von Wafer, a second-round draft pick, on Monday.

This is the most delicious-sounding Laker guard since Adrian Van Crumpet signed with LA back in 1979.

Rafael Palmeiro was suspended Monday for violating Major League Baseball's steroids policy, nearly five months after telling Congress that "I have never used steroids. Period."

It should be noted that he also said, "However, comma, I may have used the following, colon, Viagra with Ox Testosterone in it. Period. Dont judge me, comma, you dick. Period."

Peter Gammons was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame this weekend -- and he has 4,256 less hits than Pete Rose.