Joe Vitt, interim head coach of the St. Louis Rams while Mike Martz recovers from a heart ailment, underwent a heart procedure of his own Monday.

First Martz, now Vitt. Ending every Rams practice with a chilli cheese donut-off is starting to seem like a pretty bad idea.

All-Star forward Grant Hill was expected to miss three to six weeks after he has surgery for a sports hernia.

Hill sustiained the injury when he realized that for the first time in 8 years he was healthy enough to actually play a game.

Sheryl Swoopes came out of the closet as gay.

On a completely unrelated note, the Houston Comets' owner has traded Swoopes for "anybody who's not a dyke" and a player to be named later.

PITTSBURGH -- A man accused of pretending to be Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was fined $300.

Authorities say he pretended to be Roethlisbergerto two women so he could date them.

Cops were tipped off by the lack of passing accuracy exhibited by this fony QB. Tommy Maddox will be held in detainment without bail until further notice.

The latest "Got Milk?'' commercial hit a little too close to home for Major League Baseball.

Poking fun at the sport's steroid scandal, the television ad for the California Milk Processor Board talks about a player getting pulled from a game "after testing positive for a performance-enhancing substance.''

In the next scene, a coach pulls a carton of milk from the slugger's locker.

"There is nothing humorous about steroid abuse,'' said Tim Brosnan, executive vice president for being an old humorless fart.

Headline from South Bend Tribune:

"Wise ass dying kid calls for Fake Field Goal; Charlie Weis Truly Fucked."

Well, its that time of the year again: NBA PRESEASON is here! You know what that means, NBA Teams everywhere are telling the Andre Emmetts and Chris Carrawells of the world that they're sorry "but you guys really are the 13th best player on this team. Seriously, I mean that. That's what makes this so hard."

Chin up you quasi-athletic youngsters! A steady diet of NBADL and 10 day contracts awaits ye. And that's if you're lucky.

How long did that Astros/Braves game last?

Just to put things in perspective, when it started, Julio Franco was only 47.